Comments on Stepmother In The Suburbs: Who's Kid Is It?

Ladies, We really need to think of a new acronym f...

2010-02-24T10:33:16.308-08:00

Ladies, We really need to think of a new acronym for "Biological Mother" I don't know that I like being referred to a piece of crap...lol. (I am half joking Denise;)

To Victoria, I think that whatever your SD feels comfortable calling you, is what she should call you. If "Mom"'s the word, so be it. Just make sure that is her feeling on it, and not yours. Her mom sort of lost the right to that title when she left her behind. On the other hand, if my boys started calling their SM "Mom" I have to admit I would feel hurt. I am, and have always been in their life full time. I carried them, gave birth to them and breastfed them all. I do not mind them loving her. I am glad they do (as I have expressed in a previous post.) I think she is fine being called by her first name, as is my husband. We refer to both in our blended family as "Bonus Parents" not "Step".

Being the step-parent that has custody of my SD, I...

2010-02-24T09:57:34.127-08:00

Being the step-parent that has custody of my SD, I am not sure if I am right or wrong to call her my daughter. Am I out of line saying that she is? Her BM moved to SC and is raising her new husband's 3 kids that they just got full custody of. I myself have 2 children and feel that calling or anything else would make her feel...pushed aside. Her mom hates me and says I intrude too much - duh! She only sees her 2 times a year for a week each and then only calls about 2 times a week.

This is such a hard thing for everyone! My funny ...

2010-02-23T20:00:29.356-08:00

This is such a hard thing for everyone! My funny story is that my SD12 used to wear this sweatshirt that was a stick figure playing guitar and said "my mom rocks" on it. She would ALWAYS wear it when she was at our house. When we would go out people would say, "that shirt is so cool" and then look at me like I was the "mom that rocked". I HATED this sweatshirt, but never let SD know it. I finally said one day, "I think it's so cute that when you wear that people think I'm the rockin' mom". She was like, "oh my god, I never thought of that!" She immediately stopped wearing it and I never saw it again.

If people ask if they are mine in front of them, I quickly explain they are my future stepkids and say I'm marrying their dad. They would be VERY quick to state otherwise. However, when I'm at work and someone asks about pictures on my desk it all depends on who it is and how much I want to go into it. If it's someone I don't know I don't get into it because I can't stand the shock or pity. If it's someone I know I will explain it. It's awkward, but I know how people feel about these teritories. It will be interesting once we have kids together how my language will change.

This last comment makes me so sad... My In-Laws ha...

2010-02-23T13:34:29.894-08:00

This last comment makes me so sad... My In-Laws have made my (our) 3 boys feel very loved and accepted. Do they dote a little more on our daughter? Probably, but I chalk that up to the huge difference in their ages and the fact that she is a little girl. Fortunately, the same goes with their Stepmoms parents. They adore my boys. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I would be lying if I said it was easy for me at first when they were all so little. That innate maternal protectiveness is hard to overcome. But seriously, would you rather your kids be made to feel unwanted, uncomfortable or like 2nd class citizens? I cannot tell you how many times my sons have thanked me for the relationship that we all have, and not having to feel guilty or torn about it. As I write this, me and "Bonus Mom" are starting the preliminary planning for my youngest sons H.S. Graduation. Yes, we throw the party together as one big family...

As hard as it is, it's better for both sides t...

2010-02-21T20:55:04.006-08:00

As hard as it is, it's better for both sides to treat the kid as their kid then for the kid to feel excluded.

My mother, the bitch that she is, is always clear to point which kids are her 'step' grandkids. She will never introduce them without explaining they aren't here grandchildren. She doesn't buy them gifts for the holidays or buys them significantly smaller gifts than the other grandkids.

For years, I've done her shopping just so I can 'fix' the gifts so that all of them are treated evenly.

Some people will never accept a stepchild. When they are accepted, as much as it hurts, let it be.

Tirz

I have to say, it's easier for me to say they ...

2010-02-20T19:55:06.949-08:00

I have to say, it's easier for me to say they are mine. Plus I know the BM never lets her husband call himself step-dad, to her he is my SS's dad. We got in a fight last year about him deciding to call me mom, she said something stupid like daddy's come and go and mommy's are forever. Needless to say, I won the argument. We are far far far from wanting to be seen in public together, that is not my choice and she will never want anyone to know her son might possibly have another mother figure who loves him just as much.

I am soooo glad to see that picture! I have NO ho...

2010-02-20T12:04:54.325-08:00

I am soooo glad to see that picture! I have NO hope this will ever happen with my family, but it warms my heart to see that there are women out there who can respect one another.

I don't know if this story helps, but I used to babysit a little boy, who was only 3 months old when I started and I got compliments about him all the time too and simply said Thank You. Somehow I doubt his mom would have cared or felt I was claiming him as my own. It's only when it's a new wife that we get all emotional and crazy about it. Which is all the more reason to get real and stop letting it bug us. It's nice to have other people love our kids and to love other people's kids!

I invited Tami to my office one morning to intervi...

2010-02-20T05:54:10.949-08:00

I invited Tami to my office one morning to interview her for my writing project, Success In The Suburbs. When she told me this story it hurt. I know that all along I had been "avoiding an explanation" but I also thought that I was being "magnanimous." This spread a completely new light on things for me.

I was the lady on the other side of the aisle.

Ouch!

aww man, that really is a hard story. I don't...

2010-02-19T23:27:37.471-08:00

aww man, that really is a hard story. I don't think I could have handled it if someone claimed my kids as their own, even if it was probably just to save her having to explain the whole thing to strangers in the supermarket.